Briefly Thyself Remember
by Lia s'Ffalenn
Summary: Whilst on a supply run back the the Citadel, Commander Aki Shepard comes face to face with a painful episode from her past. Based on the colonist backstory assignment "I Remember Me", with Shenko sprinkles.
1. Chapter 1

They had finished their rounds on the Presidium and were on their way through the access corridor towards the Wards when Shepard put her hand to her ear in the universal gesture indicating an incoming radio message. She signalled for them to slide out of the flow of human and alien traffic, and Kaidan Alenko moved into one of the spaces between the plants along the walls alongside Ashley Williams. Shepard stepped out on the other side of the planter he was nearest to. Kaidan looked sideways through the foliage at her – she seemed to be listening very intently.

He sent a questioning glance at Ashley, who responded with a resigned shrug. Ever since they'd docked at the Citadel to refuel and resupply, it seemed nearly everyone wanted something from Commander Aki Shepard, the newest Council Spectre. They'd been accosted by a journalist the moment they stepped into Citadel Security HQ, asked to resolve a loud dispute between a turian C-Sec officer and a hanar preacher, summoned to the upmarket bar near the embassies by an Asari politician wanting a favour...even the famous consort Sha'ira had a problem that apparently only Shepard could handle.

Kaidan felt his face warm at the memory of _that_ little encounter. He hadn't expected that seeing the consort invade Shepard's personal space would bother him so, even less that he would open his mouth and make a pointed comment about it. The look that the commander had shot him had made him wish he could sink into the floor and disappear. And then of course she had gone on to handle the situation with her usual aplomb, leaving him feeling even more ridiculous.

"...for the past thirteen _years_? Is she all right?"

Kaidan blinked, his attention dragged back to the present as Shepard finally spoke to whoever was on the other end of the communication. He couldn't hear her clearly over the buzz of talk in the corridor, but she didn't sound happy. Stealing another look through the plant, he saw that she had gone a shade paler than usual and felt a stab of apprehension. He'd seen her cope with zombie-like colonists and collapsing mine shafts with less perturbation. The pause as Shepard listened again was shorter this time, ended by a long drawn-out sigh from her.

"I'm not trained to deal with that...but I'll do what I can."

A few moments later she took her hand down from her ear, caught Kaidan's eye and jerked her head in the direction of the Presidium exit from the corridor, indicating that they should go back the way they had come. He and Ashley followed her back into the stream of people. Shepard walked even more swiftly than usual, deftly cutting through the crowd. Kaidan did his best to keep up, but still barely made it into the elevator before she slapped the call-pad to send it zipping up towards the Presidium level. He narrowed his eyes against the flashes of light coming through the viewports – the last thing he needed right now was a migraine.

"We got a rush on, skipper?" Ashley asked from beside him.

"That was a Lieutenant Girard, up in the docking bay. Apparently there's a woman there that he'd...like me talk to." Shepard's tone was clipped, apart from the odd hesitation near the end.

"Uh huh. Another favour? I vote we get ourselves a secretary to screen calls."

Kaidan winced. He knew Ashley was capable of sensitivity and compassion, but there were times when she completely misread a situation and came out with something wildly inappropriate. He guessed that she was aiming to lighten the mood with her flippant comment, but he didn't think Shepard would appreciate it right now. He was correct – the commander's head whipped around and pinned the chief with a glare that could have frozen Therum's lava.

"When I want smart-ass comebacks from you, Williams, I'll let you know!" she snapped.

Even Kaidan blinked at that. It was extremely rare for the commander to lose her temper with any of her subordinates. Ashley blanched and muttered a subdued "Yes, ma'am". No one spoke until the elevator had deposited them on the Presidium. Shepard set a bruising pace towards the next lift, hustled them in and stood staring rigidly at the door as the compartment hummed its' stately way along towards the Citadel Security offices. Her manner indicated even if the elevator had instantaneously zapped them up to the docking bay, it wouldn't have been soon enough for her. Kaidan couldn't imagine what had driven his usually zen-like commander to this state of distraction, but he was becoming increasingly anxious for her.

They arrived at Citadel Security HQ. The C-Sec officers wisely got out of Shepard's way as she blazed straight across to the final elevator, Kaidan and Ashley following in her wake. The docking bay lift compartment began its' slow outward journey, and after a minute or two Shepard seemed to decide they were due some explanation before they arrived. Her voice was tightly controlled as she spoke, and she kept her face turned away from them.

"She's from Mindoir."

"Ma'am?" Kaidan queried cautiously, although he had a sinking feeling that he was beginning to see where this was headed. He recognised the name of Shepard's former home planet. They'd talked once about her family...her parents and the five younger siblings she'd had before the batarians had attacked the colony. Their conversation had only touched on the good memories, but he was well aware that there had to be nightmarish ones as well.

"The woman in the docking bay. She was taken in the slave raid." Shepard continued, still talking in that flat, too-controlled voice.

"They rescued her a week ago, but she's gone a bit...crazy. She snatched a gun off someone, and now she's threatening to kill herself. This Girard thinks maybe I can get through to her."

_As if she doesn't have enough to deal with!_ The vehemence of his reaction took Kaidan by surprise, and he had to work to keep his expression from reflecting his fierce internal monologue._ Off you go, Shepard, and track down this insane turian who seems determined to wipe out every human colony in the galaxy before he kills anyone else. Take a few minutes to bail out the Fifth Fleet and sort out some minor issues on the Citadel. Oh, and by the way, if you could just relive your worst nightmares while you're at it?_

The flare of anger and resentment faded, leaving resignation in its wake. He realised that the poor woman that Girard wanted Shepard to talk down had those same nightmares – probably worse, in fact, as she hadn't escaped the slavers like the commander had. And Shepard wasn't a woman to leave anyone suffering if she thought there was something she could do to help, no matter what it might cost her. Her selflessness was one of the many things Kaidan admired about her, even though it simultaneously irritated him that she took so much upon herself. _If ever there was someone with a 'white knight' complex..._

Ashley was giving him an odd look. Maybe he hadn't masked his feelings as well as he'd thought. A moment later she rolled her eyes impatiently at him and piped up herself.

"We've got your back, ma'am. Anything we can do, just say the word."

_Oh_. She'd been expecting him to say something supportive. And he'd just stood there. _Idiot_.

The set of the commander's shoulders seemed to relax slightly, although she still didn't turn around.

"Thanks, Williams." she said, quietly.

Kaidan couldn't think of anything more to add.


	2. Chapter 2

The docking bay was quiet when the elevator door hissed open and they stepped out. Shepard headed directly for the two unfamiliar officers standing by the Normandy's docking slip. She'd regained some of her usual poise – hanging back and watching her speak to Lieutenant Girard, if he hadn't seen for himself how distressed she was Kaidan would hardly have known anything was amiss. Girard certainly didn't seem to notice as he saluted her and immediately launched into what was presumably a situation report.

"Hey, LT?" The uncharacteristically quiet voice came from beside him, and Kaidan raised an eyebrow as he turned to Ashley. Unlike Shepard, she made no effort to hide how she felt – concern showed clearly on her face as she looked at him with direct brown eyes.

"Yes, Chief?"

"Uh...maybe not my place to say this, but...head in the game, okay? She might need us...you...to help her hold it together here."

Kaidan was uncomfortably aware that the gunnery chief had spent more time around him and Shepard than anyone else on the Normandy's crew. Ashley almost certainly knew all about his somewhat inappropriate feelings regarding their commanding officer, and he wasn't entirely sure that she approved. Defensiveness made his reply sound far more sarcastic than he had intended it to be.

"Thank you, Chief, I was aware of that."

Ashley recoiled a little, holding one hand up in apology.

"Sorry. You just seemed a bit distracted back there, that's all."

Kaidan grimaced. It wasn't right of him to jump down her throat when she was only trying to help. He might have been thinking of Shepard back in the elevator, but it was Ashley who had actually said something useful, while he'd just stood there like a lemon. Dropping the formalities, he sighed and said,

"Hell, Ash, I'm the one who should apologise. I'm just...worried. I've never seen the commander like this before."

"You and me both, LT. She's tough, you know that. I just think...even someone like Shepard needs backup sometimes, right?"

They broke off their quiet discussion as Shepard finished her conversation with Girard, occasioning another salute, and headed back towards them. Kaidan tried not to be too obvious in studying her face, trying to assess her mood. Her eyes met his briefly before sliding away again. Her features were set in what he thought of as her "mission" expression – neutral, not giving anything away, but with a distinct air that she was alert to everything going on around her.

He relaxed a little. _Okay, good, looks like she has a handle on this. Now it's just me that needs to get a grip._

As usual when they were on assignment, Shepard was straight to business. Kaidan did his best to focus on the briefing she was giving them.

"She's holed up behind that pile of shipping crates. Williams, I want you to stay here with Girard. He seems genuinely worried about the girl, but he was a bit evasive when I asked him why. He's got a sniper in position, so keep an eye on him, and don't hesitate to override him if necessary, my authority."

Ashley gave a sharp nod of acknowledgement, absently flexing her fingers as Shepard turned to Kaidan.

"Alenko, I'm going to head up the left hand side, right out in the open where she can see and hear me coming. While I do that, I want you get as close behind those crates as you can without drawing her attention. If this all goes to pieces then I might need that stasis trick of yours handy."

"Aye aye, ma'am." he said, echoing Ashley's nod.

Shepard looked at him searchingly for a moment, then refocused on both of them and gave a nod of her own.

"All right then. Girard's given me a sedative. I'm going to try and get her to take it voluntarily, but it sounds like she's really wound up, so it'll probably take a little while."

There was the barest hesitation before she added, "I'm also going to turn my radio off."

"Ma'am, are you sure that's–" Ashley started to speak, but Shepard cut her off decisively.

"I need to build a rapport with her, and I can't afford to be distracted. If it comes to a point where we need to co-ordinate via radio, then the operation is irretrievably screwed anyway."

Ashley compressed her lips together, clearly unhappy, but said nothing more. Kaidan also had his reservations about the notion, but he had to admit that Shepard's point was valid. Besides, on the other side of the shipping crates he should be able to hear well enough to gauge what was happening, and he could signal Ashley if necessary. Shepard's eyes flicked in his direction briefly, alert for any signs of objection, but he kept his face impassive and apparently she decided that was the end of the discussion.

"The minute she's down, I'll be back online to report in." she finished. "All right, let's move out."


	3. Chapter 3

"Talitha, these will make you fall asleep. If you fall asleep, they'll take you to a place where you can get better."

Shepard's voice was low and calm, as it had been all the way through her conversation with the escaped slave. There was a silence, then a soft shuffling sound. From his vantage point on the far side of the crates from Shepard and Talitha, all Kaidan could see was a narrow, sideways view of the girl's back. Her shoulders jerked convulsively in a swallowing motion, and he let out a silent sigh of relief. Once again, Shepard had taken on a potentially disastrous situation and managed to resolve it without violence.

"Will she have bad dreams?" Talitha's voice, so shrill and desperate earlier, was now a near-inaudible quaver.

"You'll dream of a warm place, and when you wake up, you'll be in it." Shepard promised.

"She'd like that." Talitha's voice was becoming hazy. "It hurts when she...when I...remember...me. But she wants to...remember..."

The gun fell from the girl's hand to the deck with a clatter, and a moment later she disappeared entirely from Kaidan's view as she collapsed. There was a soft thud as Shepard caught her, followed by a series of scraping noises, presumably the commander manoeuvring her burden into a more comfortable position. Then silence. He waited for the click which would signify that Shepard had turned her radio back on. Half a minute went by, then a full minute. What was taking so long? Should he go and look, or was it just that Talitha wasn't fully unconscious yet? He would have expected those knockout drops to put her straight to sleep...

"What's the situation up there, LT?" Ashley's voice sounded impatient in his ear.

"I'm not sure." he replied slowly. "Stand by."

Making his mind up, he slid along the line of crates until he was at the opposite end and could peer cautiously around the corner.

There was nothing wrong that he could see. Talitha was sleeping peacefully, her back propped up against one of the crates. Shepard was just standing there, staring down at her. If the situation was resolved, why on earth hadn't she turned her radio back on and given orders to shut down that sniper?

"Uh...ma'am?" He moved around the last crate and started to walk towards her. A couple of steps in, she seemed to register his presence and slowly turned her head to look at him. What he saw in her face stopped him dead in his tracks.

It was as if the terrified sixteen year old facing the batarian raiders had somehow returned and was staring at him out of the grown woman's eyes. He'd never imagined that Shepard...his Commander Shepard, always strong, calm and decisive...could look so lost and vulnerable.

"It could have been me." She sounded so strained as to be virtually unrecognisable from the soothing presence she had been only a few minutes earlier.

"Even worse, it could still be my family. My little sisters...I never looked, you know. I ran away and didn't go back."

Kaidan hesitated. In the face of this kind of grief, this kind of _guilt_, what could he possibly say? One thing was certain – he had to say something. Just standing there silently like he had before was not going to do any good.

Ashley's words floated across his mind._ She's tough, you know that. I just think...even someone like Shepard needs backup sometimes, right?_

"Shepard...there wasn't anything you could have done for them. No one blames you. You were only a kid yourself." he tried, echoing what the commander herself had said to Talitha only few moments ago.

She didn't reply, just stared at him. He had a feeling she had barely heard. She was completely engaged in the struggle within her own mind, trying with all her might to regain her precious control and force the resurgent memories back where they belonged. Kaidan had no doubt that she would win out in the end...didn't she always? But to see her looking so desolated still caught at his heart and squeezed it unmercifully. Rational thought faltered and in that instant instinct took over. He closed the remaining distance between them in two strides and wrapped his arms around her, enfolding her in a compassionate embrace.

Even considering that she was clad in light armour her body felt stiff and unresponsive. When his brain finally caught up with what he had done, he had a few endless-seeming seconds to wonder if he hadn't made a terrible mistake. In the next second, a strangled noise escaped from Shepard and she suddenly relaxed, almost catching him off balance. Her hands came up to grip his shoulders and she buried her head against his chest. Kaidan cradled her close, murmuring consoling nonsense as she clung to him, shaking uncontrollably.

The part of him that had been so outraged on her behalf earlier had to wonder, seeing her like this, just how long she'd been keeping her memories of Mindoir repressed. Had anyone had even _tried_ to comfort the scared girl she had once been, or had they simply handed her off to the doctors and scientists who had developed her biotic potential? Surely someone must have cared about _her_, and not just what she could one day be capable of? Perhaps one day he would ask her about it, but for now...well, he was here. And he definitely cared. _A hell of a lot more than I'm supposed to._

Another portion of his mind, which he was trying his hardest to ignore, was busily – and inappropriately – cataloguing just how good it felt to hold Shepard in his arms. It kept trying to make the jump to imagining how much better it would be to hold her when they weren't both wearing hardsuits, but he did his level best to stomp that thought before it got started. _Stop it. Backup, remember? She's hurting right now, and I'm just a handy supportive shoulder. That's it, nothing more, no-_

"Damn it...LT, don't you dare disappear on me as well! What the hell is going on up there?"

He wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or relieved when Ashley's frustrated voice blared over his suit radio, making him jump a little. Shepard evidently sensed the change in his body language and tilted her head back to look up at him. The shaking had subsided, but for a few moments the vulnerability was still there. Kaidan gazed down at her, opened his mouth to say something and then realised to his embarrassment that he actually had no idea how long they'd been standing there wrapped around each other. His confusion must have been obvious from his goldfish-like expression – her mouth quirked infinitesimally in a faint smile before her usual calm finally reasserted itself. She loosened her grip on his shoulders. With a pang of reluctance, he let go of her and stepped back to a more professional half metre away.

The click that Kaidan had been waiting for echoed over his radio as Shepard reached up and turned her own back on.

"All clear, Chief." she said, with hardly a tremor. "Our target's down and sleeping. If you could ask the Lieutenant to call off his sniper, then we can wrap this up."

"Yes ma'am, heard and understood."

The relief in Ashley's voice was unmistakable, but she didn't ask any further questions about what had caused the delay, and Kaidan suspected that there would be no future mention of it either. Sensitivity and compassion, indeed.

"Um…if we're done here, ma'am?" He gestured towards the ramp.

"Of course, Lieutenant." Shepard made as if to walk past him and then paused, glancing sideways. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, then inclined her head and upper body in a slight but formal bow in his direction. Her eyes met his again for a mere instant as she straightened, then suddenly she was past him, picking up stride and rounding the crates on a direct course for the two officers waiting by the Normandy's hatch.

Caught flat-flooted, Kaidan blinked, then turned to follow her. Moving more slowly, he was able to observe as she reached Girard, nodded to Ashley and then started on a crisp situation report. Just like that, the armoured shell was back in place. No one would have any reason to question that Commander Shepard was in full charge of the situation. He was abruptly aware of just how much trust she had placed in him, allowing him to see the emotional scars that Alliance heroes of Elysium weren't supposed to have.

Reaching the group outside the Normandy, he settled into place slightly behind and to Shepard's right, nodding to Ashley on his left. She grinned at him and winked irreverently before turning her attention back to the conversation in front of them. Kaidan felt his own lips stretch in a small smile as he focused his attention forwards.

_Got your back, Shepard. Got your back._


End file.
